Friday, September 19, 2014

Why I under achieve

Like, should you enable your child to be gifted if by doing so they will increase in liklihood of being an underachiever?

For me I focus on what I can do, when I can do it, and dismiss the rest. I used to be more dismissive. But then I was taught how to be stressed out (at a seminar for how to destress. :() and realized how much shit I was dismissing, and spent years trying to be a better me that didn't dismiss shit and was always completing things.
So then I would do an awesome first 7 steps, and have to finish the last three steps in this structures time line and, I wasnt ready, but now I knew I couldn't dismiss it, so j finished and ruined it.
Or I wouldn't finish it, but I was so stressed out and focused on it I couldn't move on - to be able to come back to it.
Might have been my age too, I guess stress would have eventually been learnt.
It was grade 9, and I was very emotionally delayed. 

What I do as a remedy; let go of things I cannot finish. If it's meant for me to finish, it will wait. If not, I know I gave each project a great start. I still want to finish everything. I have thousands of things I can see every day waiting for me to finish them. Toys to be fixed, puppets to be made; supplies bought, something prepared, then I'm Distracted and its incomplete. I have A crocheted foot in my nightstand.. A pink panther Christmas present from last year, or birthday. I don't remember. But it's waiting. It's not going anywhere. I work very hard to not stress about it not being complete. I start so many things;( current projects once started are pushed to complete; I always complete: cleaning the kitchen and doing a load of laundry as initializing, getting the ball rolling.
Usually I am tired by then though.
I can push through; though I then become hyper focused and irrational at interruptions...
And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.. To everyone who has ever been on the other end of my irrationalization , and I am so sorry ecausd, I still haven't learned anything from it.
I still don't know how to BOTH handle the disruptions, and, get everything done?
And I pick one. Then I pick the other. And so on top of being irrational; I am also unpredictable.
And I avoid people because of it.
And I push people away because of it.
Or I communicate the shit out of my every thought.

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